So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
