I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm at about main and main street
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
