I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
