My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
