In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
