Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
FUCK WHALES
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
