We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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