he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
