I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
