yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
