Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
