So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
