Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
