I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
