I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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