The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
