In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
