I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
