If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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