they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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