Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize
