Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
