We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
