i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
