Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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