Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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