i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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