my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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