apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize