if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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