Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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