Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
