The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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