Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
