Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
