Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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