so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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