One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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