My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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