so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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