Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
