I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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