Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
