Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I am puke
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
