Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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