Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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