so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
