what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
