the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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