life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
