Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
