im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
