I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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