I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize