I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
