and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
