im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
