You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize