my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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