i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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