Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
