so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
